18.Anxiety and Misunderstanding

Editing/Standardisation: Medicine Melancholy
Original Translation: Medicine Melancholy

Iris/Yanagi
After being told to stay at home, I spent a few days helping Mrs.
Miranda, who thought it would be a good idea for me to do something
to take my mind off things.
The people of this town gathered herbs and ground them to make
medicine. They relied on forestry as their main industry, since there
was a constant demand for their product to treat bruises and sore
muscles. As someone with healing arts, I wondered if I could improve
the effects of the medicine… but, was this the right thing to do?
While tilting my head in contemplation, I poured my magic into the
medicine.
Later on, when I heard from Mrs. Miranda that those who had used the
product had found it to be surprisingly effective and that those who
had used it had expressed their gratitude, I couldn’t help but feel my
cheeks relax.
In my spare time, I would also learn how to cook from Mrs. Miranda.
The soft, herb-kneaded cookies like something from a certain famous
country, were a hit with those two when they returned, and I somehow
felt I understood a little more about how people like to have their food
eaten.
Thanks to magical technology, a certain level of water and sewage
system had been developed in this world, and although not every
house had a bathroom as a matter of course, there was one present on
the ground floor of this building. Come to think of it, it was quite
widespread at the time of the game.
I still refused to bath, though, as I had no desire to look directly at my
body. Fortunately, I could use “Purification” to cleanse my body, so
simply wiping myself with hot water was sufficient to keep me clean,
and there was no particular inconvenience… I had Saul do it for me
while my eyes were covered with a blindfold.
And as for the treatment of the women held by the bandits, Saul
relented at my insistence and allowed me to treat “one of them at a
time while staying at home”, starting from the most severely injured.
“…You alright?”
“…I can keep going, yes. It’s what I wished to do… so I can’t afford to be
weak.”
With a wet rag over my eyes on the bed, I barely answered Reiji, who
called out to me with concern. In truth, it was hard for me to even
speak up. Ever since that day, I had been in a slump. The wings were
harder to get out. When I tried to use it, I instantly started to feel sick.
It was as if they were rejecting me, attacking me like they weren’t parts
of myself.
Therefore, after the treatment, I always collapsed from exhaustion and
often fell asleep. Nevertheless, the treatment of the neighborhood girls
who were staying here was somehow completed, and they all returned
to their own villages, repeatedly expressing their gratitude.
A week, in Earth’s time, passed peacefully only around me, despite Reiji
and Saul being busy with their daily requests, and just as I was about to
treat the remaining victims, Reiji returned home with an injury.
“…Uh, don’t cry like that, okay? Look, it’s not a big deal at all.”
“(Sobs) But… but…”
“My bad, I shouldn’t make you worry about me like this…”
I found myself strangely upset, and I was still in tears and kept shaking
my head, even though Reiji’s treatment had already been completed.
Reiji himself was patting my head and comforting me with a troubled
expression.
He was caught off guard by a camouflaging plant monster he happened
to overlook, and got wounded after it grazed him. The monster was
said to be poisonous and he had a hard time battling it as a result.
I was confronted with optimism. Somewhere along the way, I had been
reassured, without any basis, that both Reiji and Saul were the
strongest and most invincible heroes in the world.
It was completely wrong. No matter how strong people were, they
could easily die in this world where things like HP didn’t exist. Besides,
in the game, this was a hunting ground used for leveling up at a very
low level, and it was still a “safe” place with many mild-mannered
animals. The danger level was just the beginning, and there were plenty
of more dangerous places to go. I felt like the ground I was standing on
was crumbling. I was too scared to wait in a safe place by myself
anymore.
“Please, I ask you both… Bring me along next time.”
The plea that escaped my mouth…
“…No, you should stay here.”
…was brusquely dismissed by Saul.
“We’re doing this for you, Iris… I hope you understand.”
“…?!”
Blood rushed to my head. Not again, I thought. Every single time, they
wouldn’t let me do anything “for my own sake”.
“I don’t understand! I don’t understand a thing at all! Are you two
really okay with coming back injured like this?! What’s going to happen
if both of you get injured?! Are you telling me… that I should be
anxiously waiting at a safe place for the two of you who may or may not
come back?!”
I found myself screaming hysterically. Saul stared at me in surprise, and
I felt a twinge of guilt, but once I said it out loud, I couldn’t stop talking.
Was this body starting to drag me down?. Tears welled up in my eyes
like a small child’s. I must have looked like a child throwing tantrum at
the moment, but I couldn’t help myself.
“Don’t leave me alone… I don’t want to be left alone… I’ve always been
tormented by the thought that something might have happened to you
somewhere I don’t know about… You said at the time that you would
never leave me alone again, didn’t you?!”
“…I’m sorry but, I still can’t let you do that…”
“…I give up!! I can’t understand Saul-niisama at all!!”
I ran back to my room and slammed the door violently. I couldn’t stop
sobbing, and the pillow in which I buried my face became damp with
liquid.
I wasn’t strong enough. The reason those two were so overprotective
was because I was weak. If I couldn’t prove to them that I was okay
now, that I could keep up with them, they would leave me behind. I
was tormented by this obsession that I had to be strong enough to not
make them worry.

Saul
“…Hey, Saul, I know you’re worried about that guy but… is this the right
thing to do? Shouldn’t we take that guy with us? He needs to get used
to this world, too-”
“I already know that!!”
Without thinking, I punched the table. It was more powerful than I
expected, and I felt a crack. I knew, Iris was anxious and crushed as he
waited for us alone in a safe place, and the way he looked just now was
like a genuine girl again. What did he call me earlier when she was
agitated and not in his right mind again? “Saul-niisama”, wasn’t it? Even
if I tried to keep him away from danger in this way, I was afraid his
symptoms were progressing no matter what.
“I know that too well… But when I think about it, I just can’t…”
From the beginning, I had wanted to be a man. Then, I would be able to
protect Onii-chan this time. I had watched Onii-chan, who protected
me in that incident, live a crippled life for a long time afterwards, more
than anyone else. In order to protect him, I made a ploy and switched
our accounts around, and here I was, as “Saul”.
Indeed, I initially struggled with this unfamiliar male body. If this were a
muscular body, I might not be able to stand it, but my current body was
a neutral, beautiful boy made by my ideal, and although I was confused
at first, there was no particular inconvenience, and I got used to it
rather quickly and enjoyed it to the fullest. Yes, I was even happy to
have come to this world and to be on the “protector” side.
…But what about Onii-chan?
He was suffering like this now with a slender girl’s body that was forced
upon him by my selfishness. Because of me, Onii-chan was getting hurt
again. I wanted the power to protect Onii-chan, and now I was catching
up with him because of what I did to get it. It’s not even the end of the
line, it wasn’t meant to be like this. I was scared. Last time something
happened to him, I barely made it in time. But what about this time? If
the same thing happened again, would I be able to make a timely
rescue once more?
Locking him up wouldn’t solve anything. And yet, I kept depriving Oniichan
of an opportunity to confront the problems. I’d made so many
mistakes here. I really hated myself. If I thought about it for a second, I
could easily see that what I was doing is a bad idea. I could come up
with all kinds of ideas about what I should do, or what would be best
for Onii-chan, but I couldn’t make that choice if something were to
happen to him because of my decision, and all I could say was to keep
him away from danger, ignoring his will.
“…Sorry, I should have taken your feelings into account… Tomorrow,
we’ll be done with all monster hunting requests, then we take that guy
with us afterwards. Sounds good?”
I could only nod to Reiji-san, who assured me so with strong eyes. No, I
was just relieved that he made that decision.
What a coward, I was.
???
“Uegh, this is terrible…”
“Did those two knights accompanying that princess really do this?”
The bandits’ hideout… used to be a mansion where an alchemist did his
shady research. However, the bandits who had roosted there were
gone, and the two men who had come to investigate whether the
mansion could be used for something or not found it, to put it simply, a
bloodbath. The room, which had already been in this state for several
days, was filled with the stench of rusty iron, and it was difficult to find
a clean spot.
“Shouldn’t we just burn this place down?”
“Agreed. This is a house with a bad reputation to begin with, and even
if it were cleaned up, no one would use it.”
Snaps
“…Did something crack just now?”
“I-Is it going to collapse? I don’t want to get buried alive in this place, so
let’s get the hell out of here…”
“Yeah, we should get back for more instructions-”
Cracks
“What the…”
In the few moments between a few blinks, before he knew it, the room
was covered in crystals. He was too stunned by the change in vision to
notice “it”.
“Boss, behind you!”
“Wha?!”
He was immediately swarmed and chewed upon by something. Amidst
the disgusting sound of flesh being bitten off, a few faint moans could
be heard, and when the moans were no more, the floor beneath was
coated with a brand-new red liquid.
“E-Eeek…?! Ack!”
As soon as the other man turned his back and tried to escape, his body
was impaled over and over. Each time he was stabbed, his body
twitched and jerked while being lifted up.
“Am I going to die…?”
He felt something cold pass in a straight line from his head to his groin.
The last thing the man saw as he frantically reached for it was his own
vision, which split to the left and right and collapsed.
Iris/Yanagi
“Aaah, thank you so much for making my child beautiful again… I don’t
know how I can ever repay you…”
“Um, you don’t have to say that… P-Please excuse me!”
The mother of the girl was so moved that she tried to take my hand.
That alone reminded me of that disgusting hand, so I just dodged her
hand and quickly walked away.
Neither Reiji nor Saul was around. The night had passed, and I was now
walking around town, trying to get out of the lodging and around the
victim’s house by myself while those two were away on a request.
It was at this moment… that I realized I was so lonely.
Rumors spread quickly in the small town, and it seemed that some
people know about my shameful display the other day, and as soon as
they saw me they looked away, either uncomfortably or painfully.
Thanks to this, I somehow managed not to fall down, but even so, I was
already exhausted after the first house and fled to an alleyway that was
not popular, yet not far from the main road, to get away from the
public eye.
Leaning my back against the wall of a private house, I sat down on the
ground on the sly. My consciousness faded. The reaction was much
stronger than when I was with the two of them, and my spirit and
strength were slowly being drained away. When I was alone again in
this way, I realize how much I depended on the two of them, painfully
well.
I had to get stronger… I must not stay like this.
Tears of impatience and inadequacy blurred my eyes, and I buried my
face in my embraced knees.
“I found a pretty girl collapsed, nya. Are you hurt anywhere, nya?”
I wondered how much time had passed, but someone was talking to me
in a strange tone.
I jumped back at the unfamiliar voice and fearfully raised my eyes to
see… a well-styled demon girl with slightly reddish, almost peachcolored
silver hair cut just below shoulder length, pale white skin, and
reddish-black horns, approaching me before I knew it and peering
down at me.
Her eyes were at the same level as mine, and her soft, friendly face
made me feel at ease.
Hold on, why is she talking like a cat if she had neither cat ears nor tail?
My thought drifted aimlessly to something out of place.
“Mmmeow? You’re the princess from Ayame’s place, aren’t you…? Can
you stand up? Is your little sister here, by any chance?”
The strange girl in front of me revealed that she knew about me and
Ayame like it was nothing.