17.Mental Scars

Editing/Standardisation: Medicine Melancholy
Original Translation: Medicine Melancholy

Reiji

In the room, a girl’s sad, shrieking cries echoed within.
“(sobs)… I’m sorry… Nii-sama, Nii-sama… I’m (sobs) sorry…”
Iris regained consciousness while Saul was cleaning her body and
exchanging her dirty clothes, and started crying again, forcing Saul to
hold her in place.
Something felt really, really wrong… that Yanagi would never have cried
like this.
By all accounts, he was in no condition to keep up the “Iris” act. Then,
who was this girl before me, sobbing and wiping the palm of her hands
to remove the large tears that were overflowing one after another?
Was this really the Yanagi I knew?
No matter how I looked at it, I only saw a stranger girl, who was just
entering her teenage years.
I couldn’t help but feel a bad premonition.
I lay Iris, who was exhausted from crying, down on the bed, and went
out into the hallway with Saul. Saul, who had been pondering
something earlier, spoke up first.
“After hearing what you said, and judging from Iris’ condition up until
now, I could only think of one thing.”
“Really? What’s it?”
“…Multiple self-states. It’s not my area of expertise, and I’ve only seen
bits of it, so I could be wrong.”
This was the conclusion Saul came up with.
According to him, people inherently possess multiple personalities that
they use depending on the situation and the person they are dealing
with. At the same time, however, our psyche is capable of holding
multiple perspectives and emotional states in different states of self at
the same time. Therefore, it seems that, for the most part, they are
shared perceptions and memories. In other words, we all have multiple
self-states.
However, whereas under normal circumstances the interconnection
between each self-state is easily possible, this behavior may not take
place in the case of traumatic events. When under intense stress or
other stressful situations, the shared perceptions and memories are
severed in order to protect the self, and an alternate personality is
created to “escape from reality”.
“So what you’re saying is… the Iris who looked like an ordinary girl just
now… was a part of the heavily damaged personality detached as a girl
named ‘Iris’? Am I getting this right?”
“Probably so… I think the main part Onii-chan’s personality thought
that ‘I used to be a man, this can’t happen to me’, and thus pushed the
problem to ‘someone else’ to mitigate the PTSD?”
When I thought about it, that guy didn’t seem to be so concerned about
the memory of “that time” when he was only with us without going
outside. It was as if it was someone else’s problem.
“Then the situation just now… was because of the ‘Iris’ personality
surfacing after extreme fear caused by being exposed to people’s
gazes…”
“That explains the panic… But what about the other times? He must
have been through a lot before his condition got that bad, right?”
“I think… it’s probably chronic at this point. After all, ‘Onii-chan’ has
been tortured by PTSD for more or less a decade now.”
He said that although it got worse, that was still just an extension of
what had been there before. In other words…
“This time’s just another newly added trauma on top of the pile, isn’t
it…?”
Right after becoming a girl… that guy was seriously injured, even almost
losing his chastity. Such a hopeless situation must have developed a
new psychological trauma.
“If it’s really become chronic like you said… This is going badly.”
That guy’s behavior was concerning. If this became a regular
occurrence, and his mind was always restless, it was impossible to
know when it would reach its limits.
“Besides, another problem is that a large portion of the personality that
remains ‘safe’ is the masculine part. But… even if ‘Iris’ hasn’t fully
accepted it, his body is now fully a girl’s. All the bodily functions, maybe
even all the chemicals exchanged in the body, are those of a girl’s. I
think the more he gets used to his current body, the more dominant
the ‘Iris’ side will become. What’s at stake, what’s unstable, is not the
‘Iris’ personality, Onii-chan’s supposed escape mechanism… but the
‘Kuga Yanagi’ personality.”
“So, if things keep going like this…”
“I think it’s possible that someday the personality called ‘Kuga Yanagi’
will either disappear, or become so small that it’s unrecognizable, and
only the scarred ‘Iris’ will remain…”
A cold sweat ran down my back. It seemed like there was not much
time left.
“Then what should we do?!”
“I don’t know! I wish I knew!”
Saul shouted in a fit of rage, as if to spit at me, impatiently demanding
an answer. He looked really frustrated as he bit on his own finger until
it was bleeding.
“…My bad, I’m just too worried.”
“Me too, sorry for losing my cool… But I can tell you one thing, maybe
every time those symptoms show up, more and more of ‘Onii-chan’
personality will be swallowed up… that’s how intense the shock was for
Iris.”
“Is there anything we can do to prevent that from happening again?”
The best we could do was to resolve the severance of consciousness
and restore him to his normal state of mind, but the fear that one
wrong step could be irreversible was too high, and we had no idea how
we could possibly cure him. If that’s the case…
Iris/Yanagi
Before I knew it, I was walking alone.
The building I was in had a crystalline texture, as if it were made of ice.
I had a feeling that the royal palace in the capital of the kingdom of
Nordglacier looked like this.
A well-built, dignified man, late 20s or early 30s in appearance, was
walking in front of me, escorting someone.
This person appeared to be a teenager, was she the daughter or little
sister of the man beside her?
Their gazes turned to me unexpectedly as they walk in a friendly
manner.
……
………
…………Why.
Why are you here?
She was much younger than I knew her, but there was no mistaking
her.
You were stabbed while protecting me, and yet your face was still
smiling to reassure me.
Even though hardly any memory of the incident remained, that image
was still strongly burned in my mind.
Mom!
Why are you here, in this world?! Answer me!!
I walked frantically, but I couldn’t catch up with them walking together.
Mom was walking slowly, but for some reason, the distance between us
was not closing.
And yet, they kept their position as if they were trying to lead me
somewhere.
Where am I?
It seemed like a long, long spiral staircase down.
In the pitch-black darkness, there sat a little girl covered in scars.
She was clutching her knees and crying.
I’m sorry.
Why are you crying?
Because I’m going to erase you.
Me…? Who are you?
I’m…
I reached out to look at her face and suddenly realized.
I’d seen this hair before. It had a faint rainbow glow… Are you me, or
“me”?
Then I noticed that the girl who was supposed to be sitting in front of
me was not there anymore.
Is it me who’s missing? Or is it “me”?
“…Huh? This is…”
When I came to, I was lying in a room with a familiar ceiling. I could feel
some liquid running down my cheek and wetting my pillow.
If I recalled correctly, on the way back home, I bumped into someone…
and my memory has been skipping since.
I think I was somewhere in a strange place,… but as soon as I woke up,
my memory fizzled out and I could no longer remember anything.
“…You’re awake.”
“Reiji-san… and Saul-niisama too, what’s the matter, you two look so
scared.”
Reiji tried to say something, but stopped. When I tilted my head at his
brusqueness, he let out one big sigh and began to speak reluctantly.
“…We should take a break from treating the victims, starting from
tomorrow.”
For a moment, I didn’t understand what was being said.
“What do you mean by taking a break?”
“We can’t afford not to do the requests at all, so we’ll be gone more
often, but I’ve already told Mrs. Miranda that you will be resting for a
while, Iris.”
Saul looked away and told me with a look of anguish. It seemed that
they were already talking in that direction.
“W-Wait, why are you talking like it’s already decided?! Because I fell
down yesterday? B-But, look, I’m already fine now!”
“The thing is… How do I say it…”
With clenched fists, the two of them told me what was happening to
me.
…
I didn’t understand what they were saying. No, I did understand, but I
refused to accept it. Was “I” going to disappear if things kept going like
this?
“It’s just a possibility. Once you calm down, we can work together to
find a solution… So please, take a rest for now… it’s for your sake.”
I could only nod my head in dismay at their words.
I’m sorry.
I thought I heard someone’s voice in my head.