Editing/Standardisation: Medicine Melancholy
Original Translation: Medicine Melancholy
a woman
Iris
Afterwards, I was introduced to a steady stream of visiting dignitaries from other countries. By the time I was finally released in the late afternoon, it felt like the smile plastered on my face had become permanent.
With no appetite left, I settled for a light dinner before heading to the bath. There, I prepared to bathe with the other woman accompanying me on this trip.
“Good work today, Iris-chan. Your first social gathering must have been quite exhausting, wasn’t it?”
“It really… wore me out…”
“I understand how you feel. I’m not very good at those myself…”
The woman accompanying me, Her Majesty Empress Iscuol, nodded empathetically as she let her attendant help her undress. It was as though she was glad to have found someone who could share in the struggle.
“But honestly, if it hadn’t been for you and Emperor Felix staying right by my side, I don’t think I could have managed at all. Thank you so much, Big Sister Isc.”
“Well… as your elder sister and a senior in navigating social events, it’s my duty, after all…”
At that tea party, the most influential figure due to the nation’s power was Emperor Felix, followed by His Majesty Alfgard. Since the Emperor and his wife had been watching over us closely, the introductions went smoothly without anyone trying to cause trouble.
When I expressed my gratitude with a smile, my big sister turned bright red. Watching her, I couldn’t help but think how adorable she was, even as Lenny-san, my attendant, helped me undress.
Now, why was she, who had married into the Flamberge royal family, here in the Norglacier guest bathhouse?
It was His Highness Julius’ earnest wish to spend time with his elder sister after so long, so she would be staying here for the night. It was a sort of homecoming for her. His Highness Julius was thrilled about spending the night with her, though, of course, bathing together was out of the question. Thus, by Big Sister Iscuol request, the task of accompanying her to the bath fell to me.
It’s just…
“Please don’t stare at me so intently… It’s a bit embarrassing.”
“Oh… I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…”
I quickly averted my gaze, realizing only then that I had been staring.
Her attendant had already undressed her, leaving her in pure white lace undergarments. Big Sister Iscuol’s figure was breathtakingly beautiful—slender and perfectly proportioned, as though she embodied the golden ratio of feminine beauty.
There was, however, one small detail that couldn’t be seen when she was clothed: her abdomen was slightly rounded.
After undressing, we let our attendants cleanse us, removing our makeup and purifying our bodies. Then, we eased into the moderately warm bath, letting out a collective sigh of relief.
“So, Big Sister Isc… You’re expecting a child, aren’t you? Congratulations on your pregnancy.”
“Yes, thank you. It seems I’m about one season along.”
Her cheeks turned red as she answered shyly, revealing she was about three to four months pregnant.
“That’s why you declined both alcohol and healing magic earlier.”
“Yes… my apologies. I simply can’t accept healing magic…”
“I understand. It’s said to potentially have adverse effects on early-stage pregnancy, correct?”
Later in pregnancy, once the placenta is fully formed and the pregnancy enters a stable period, healing magic is apparently safe. However, during the early stages, its rapid cell-division stimulation might cause unforeseen issues, so it’s strictly avoided.
In hindsight, I should have noticed during the tea party. She had worn a loose-fitting dress that concealed her figure.
“I probably should have stayed behind in my country, but when I heard you were back, I just couldn’t resist coming to see you.”
“Big Sister Isc…”
“So, I pushed for this one indulgence. But after I return home, the pregnancy will be officially announced, and I’ll begin preparations for confinement and childbirth. This is my last bit of freedom for now.”
She stroked my head as she spoke, her expression tinged with a faint sadness.
“I wasn’t able to see you before, but I’m so glad you’re safe. Meeting you like this truly makes me happy.”
Her gentle smile made me shy, and I averted my eyes, fidgeting with my fingers.
“Um… Have you told His Majesty Alfgard and the others about this?”
“Yes, I informed them after dinner. I imagine the two of them are celebrating together now.”
“Ah… It’s their first grandchild, after all.”
“Indeed. Though that means Julius will become an uncle at the age of seven.”
She chuckled softly, but her laughter stirred a question within me.
“Big Sister Isc… Are you happy about this?”
“Well…”
The question escaped my lips without thought, and she paused to reflect for a moment before replying.
“If you’re asking whether I’m afraid… then yes, I am.”
“Afraid? That’s surprising, considering how close you and the Emperor seem.”
“I’m sorry for showing such embarrassing behavior earlier… But yes, I am afraid. I worry about whether I can truly become a good mother, whether I can raise a child who will bear the future of the nation. And…”
She sighed wistfully, her hand resting gently on her slightly rounded abdomen.
“…I’m afraid of whether I can safely bring this life into the world. Knowing that even a small mistake on my part could end this child’s life… it’s terrifying.”
She invited me to touch her belly, and I hesitantly complied, handling it as if it were a delicate treasure.
It was hard to tell if there was a baby inside just by touching, but the slight swelling was proof of a new life growing within.
“…Still, you’re resolved to give birth to this child, aren’t you Big Sister Isc?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Is that… because of our duty as royal princesses…?”
No matter how much we are revered, our ultimate role as royal princesses is to marry for the nation’s benefit and pass on the lineage.
Big Sister Iscuol, fortunate enough to marry someone she loved, was truly lucky in this regard.
As for me, though there are no such plans for now, as long as I remain “Irisria” and tied to my country, it’s only a matter of time—perhaps a few years—before I’m asked to marry and bear children for political reasons.
Considering my appearance, lineage, and even my race, it’s unlikely I’ll ever lack suitors.
Today alone, the gazes from foreign dignitaries during the introductions carried a mixture of greed and desire that clung to me unpleasantly.
Even so, Uncle Alfgard reassured me that with current human affairs being relatively stable, politically motivated marriages are not as emphasized these days. I found some solace in his words.
Even so, marriage and childbirth are naturally expected from women like us. That’s why I said those words, thinking it was something we couldn’t avoid even if it scared us. However…
“…That’s not it at all.”
A soft touch landed on my head, and I felt fingers gently combing through my damp hair.
“I don’t think of it as a duty, even in the slightest. When I told him I might be pregnant, he started crying, thanking me over and over as he wept…”
“Sorry, but I just can’t imagine him doing something like that.”
“Right? I was quite shocked at the time as well.”
As if reminiscing, her expression softened, and she gazed off into the distance.
“But at that moment, I think I had already made up my mind. I decided, no matter what, I will give birth to this child. Because this is a life that someone I love so deeply has longed for and blessed me with.”
Her face, as she stroked her swollen belly, was filled with maternal love. Seeing her like that, I couldn’t help but admire how radiant she looked, becoming a mother loved and cherished by her partner.
“…Is something wrong?”
“Eh?”
“You seem unwell.”
“N-no! I was just lost in thought for a bit!”
It was at this moment when I realized I had been unconsciously touching my lower abdomen.
I had grown so accustomed to this body that I no longer thought about it. But now, I was intensely aware of the organ beneath the soft layer of fat, something that hadn’t been there just a few months ago.
I, too… can bear a new life here as well.
Until now, I had taken it for granted, but the reality of it had never hit me. Now it shook me to my core.
Iscuol, my elder sister in this world, was in fact, younger than me when I was still “Yanagi” in my old world. She was younger than even Ayame.
During the seven years when I vanished from this world, she had surpassed me in age, becoming five years my senior.
And now, she was about to become a mother.
It was undeniable proof of reality—a stark contrast to the vague, far-off idea of “having children” I had always harbored, even after being assaulted, even after acknowledging myself as a girl, and even after starting my cycles.
Later that night
Even after everyone else had gone to bed, I couldn’t sleep. My mind was too awake. I happened to run into Reiji-san while he was patrolling and begged him to keep me company. Together, we went to the now-deserted lounge.
Nii-sama wasn’t in his room for some reason, and Lenny-san, who was aware of the circumstances, stayed in the neighboring room, keeping watch to ensure nothing went wrong. Feeling guilty, I sat curled up on the sofa.
“So, it’s not one of your usual nightmares today, huh? What’s on your mind?”
“…Sorry, I just couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about… stuff.”
“What stuff?”
I watched Reiji-san arrange glasses and drinks on the table, preparing for a late-night chat, and then, without really intending to, I blurted out:
“Reiji-san… Do you want kids someday?”
“…?! Wha, wha, wha?!”
Reiji-san nearly dropped the glass in his hand but managed to catch it just in time. He turned to me, opening and closing his mouth in shock.
It took me a moment to realize the implications of what I’d just said.
Oh no… It sounds like I’m asking him if I want kids with him!
“N-no! That’s not what I meant!”
I grabbed the front of his shirt and shook him desperately to clear the misunderstanding.
“Whoa, careful! I’m gonna drop the glass! Stop shaking me!”
“I wasn’t thinking anything improper! I just wanted your opinion, that’s all!”
“Alright, alright! Calm down!”
It took a while for me to compose myself. By the time I did, I noticed Lenny-san peeking into the room, shaking her head in dismay before closing the door again. My face burned with embarrassment.
Eventually, I promised to keep everything confidential and told Reiji-san about the conversation in the bath. Finally, the misunderstanding cleared up.
“So… she’s pregnant. That explains why you’ve been so preoccupied.”
“Yes… It hit me that I have the kind of body that could create life too, and… it scared me.”
It’s well-known that the burden of childbirth on women far exceeds what men experience—it’s a truth no one can deny.
The physical toll is enormous, from the pregnancy itself to delivery and beyond, where complications or lasting consequences can arise. Some women, tragically, don’t survive the ordeal.
While those fears were present, what scared me even more was the thought of becoming a mother.
I… simply don’t know what it means to be a good mother.
Having lost my parents at a young age, and only recently even considering motherhood, I couldn’t envision myself stepping into that role.
“…Well, yeah. For someone to go from being a guy to a woman capable of giving birth—that’s not exactly normal.”
Reiji-san’s words cut through my thoughts, and I nodded in agreement.
…In reality, such a possibility was already under research.
In the era on Earth when we lived, advancements in technology over the past decade had made what was previously considered impossible—like artificial wombs—closer to reality. Until then, the best that could be done was to sustain premature infants to a viable stage of life. However, clinical trials of in vitro fertilization using pluripotent stem cells had just begun.
These trials aimed to give hope to people who previously had to give up on having children—infertile individuals or those who had undergone gender reassignment surgery. The trials targeted selected applicants who wished to have children.
But that was specifically for cases where individuals desired children and opted for surrogacy through artificial means.
In my case, I had no such intentions, yet I had been transformed into an ordinary woman who could bear children naturally with my own womb and eggs. It was an entirely different matter altogether.
That realization forced me to confront a fear I hadn’t fully understood. I lacked the resolve to live as a woman at such a profound level.
“But Big Sister Isc said she would give birth to her child no matter what because it was conceived by the person she loves. So I thought… maybe I wanted to hear a man’s perspective on it. Because I’ve never felt that kind of emotion myself.”
“Ah, that’s true. Back when you were Yanagi…”
Reiji-san murmured awkwardly, and I nodded. At the time, I had already given up on the possibility of those kinds of feelings ever being relevant to me.
“Kids, huh… Hang on a moment. I’ve never really thought about it either. Let me sort my thoughts.”
As Reiji-san sank into contemplation, I absentmindedly picked up a bottle nearby. It was filled with a golden, fizzy liquid. Curious, I poured it into a glass and took a sip.
“…?”
I tilted my head. The liquid tasted like apple juice but with a bitter undertone and a peculiar aftertaste. Though I couldn’t place what it was, it was delicious, so I downed the entire glass in one go.
While I occupied myself, Reiji-san scratched his head furiously, groaning in frustration, until he finally looked at me with a serious expression.
“”Alright, I’ve got an answer. Ready?”
“Y-Yes!”
Startled by his intensity, I hastily set the half-emptied glass back on the table and straightened up to listen carefully.
“…First off, I’m sorry. Seeing you this troubled makes me realize how selfish men’s desires can be. But if I’m honest… here’s what I think.”
Reiji-san hesitated, then took a deep breath before speaking.
“Someday, yeah, I think I’d want kids. If someone I cared about were willing to have my child, I’d be thrilled. That’s just how men are, I guess.”
“I see…”
“But, that’s only because the person accepting it has thought it through and still chooses to go forward. That’s why it’s meaningful and precious. At least, that’s how I see it. Rushing into it wouldn’t lead to anything good.”
His words reminded me of something Auntie Miranda had said to me before we left the first village: decisions like these come naturally when the time is right.
Hearing it from another person helped me feel lighter, and I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.
“…Then, is it okay to stay undecided for now?”
“Of course. Things like resolve… they’ll come naturally when you meet someone who makes you think, ‘I wouldn’t mind having their child.’ Or, well, that’s my guess.”
“That would be nice… I hope it works out that way.”
Could I ever love someone deeply enough to wear the same gentle, maternal expression Big Sister Isc had? I didn’t know yet and had no confidence in the answer.
But being told I didn’t need to rush made me feel a little more at ease.
That relief, however, didn’t last long.
As I calmed down, a question suddenly lingered in my mind.
“Reiji-san, so… do you already have someone like that in mind? someone you hope will bear your child in the future?”
“Uh…… I do.”
After a long pause, Reiji glanced away from me and muttered under his breath.
Hearing that, I couldn’t help but feel an unexpected surge of emotion: I don’t like this.
I was shocked at myself for harboring such a petty, ugly feeling. Flustered, I picked up my glass and drained the remaining golden liquid.
Why did I think that? Why do I dislike the idea?
Reiji-san, after all, was popular among the maids at Roland Castle. I’d seen firsthand the crowd of off-duty admirers watching him train with Nii-sama at the practice grounds.
It wouldn’t be surprising if he were developing closer relationships with one of them without my knowledge…
“…Tch.”
That black, suffocating feeling surfaced again. The more I thought about it, the more tangled my emotions became.
Perhaps that’s why I found myself leaning against Reiji-san’s shoulder—something I would never normally do.
“…Iris? What are you doing?”
“Am I… not good enough for you?”
This feels weird.
My body felt unnaturally warm.
My vision was blurring.
My eyes brimmed with tears, for no reason.
My head was fuzzy, and I couldn’t think clearly.
Right now, I felt weightless and detached from my thoughts, like I wasn’t in control of my own words.
All I could do is lean my weight onto Reiji-san’s body beside me, and move my mouth as if it’s no longer my own.
“That person… the one you want to have children with… Could it… not be me?”
“I—wait, hold on! Think carefully about what you’re saying!”
Following his advice, I reflexively placed a hand over my chest and…
“Yeah… About that, I’m sorry. I know I don’t match the women in the books you hide under your bed, with their grown-up bodies and all, but…”
“That’s not what I meant by thinking carefully before speaking! Actually, I just heard you said something really disturbing! Back up a second, I’m begging you!”
“…Still, in a few years, I might grow a little more. Then maybe… would that work?”
“No, no, no, that’s not an issue at all… wait, what the hell was I saying?! Just get off me, Iris!”
Clearly panicking, Reiji-san pulled away from me. But…
“Kyah?!”
“W-Watch out!”
Entangled in the blanket, we tumbled onto the couch together.
Reiji-san was now practically draping over me.
“S-Sorry! I’ll move—ah!”
“Mm…!”
As he tried to back off, the tangled blanket dragged him back toward me. Our faces were so close that I could feel his breath.
“Ah…”
“…!”
My gaze remained fixed on him, hazy and distant.
Though my exposed skin felt chilly, my face burned as though on fire. My ragged breathing filled the silence as my body refused to move.
Reiji-san’s breath came unevenly as his face drew closer, his hesitation fading.
I shut my eyes, ready for whatever might come next—
“UOOOOOOOOOOOOGH!!”
…But nothing came after.
“Oh god… that was close! That was seriously bad, but I held it together! Way to go, me!”
Reiji-san, now at a distance, was breathing heavily.
As the warmth near me faded, I felt an inexplicable sadness. I reached out, but there was nothing to grasp. My eyes filled with tears that began to spill over uncontrollably.
“You, too—please, stop messing around and end this! This time, it really wasn’t funny—”
From both eyes, tears began to cascade down, one after another, dripping down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop them no matter how I tried.
Reiji, looking at me, froze in place. Something about it irritated me so much that—
“Why… Why did you stop?! Reiji-san you absolute idiot!!”
I couldn’t suppress the urge to loudly pound on the sofa as I sat up, just like when I used to throw tantrums as a child.
“I’m super serious right now! Why do you keep backing away?!”
I pounded the sofa repeatedly in frustration as I chased Reiji-san, who seemed to retreat further across the sofa as if trying to escape me.
But the sofa was small. It wasn’t long before he had nowhere else to go, and I threw myself into Reiji’s strong chest, wrapping my arms tightly around him.
The anger dissipated immediately. Instead, a warm sense of relief filled me, along with an inexplicable giddiness that I couldn’t help but laugh at.
“P-please, just let go! This much is seriously not okay…”
“Hehehe, no waaay~! I’m not letting go! You can’t escape, so just give up! Ahaha!”
Reiji-san’s body, so taut and firm, was stiff as a board in my arms. Finding this strangely amusing, I wrapped my legs around his sturdy thighs to keep myself from being shaken off and pressed my body against his as I laughed uncontrollably.
“…Wait a second. Something’s really off about you right now. What exactly did you drink?”
“Mm? Just the apple juice on the table, what’s the big deal?”
“What…?!”
“Though, now that I think about it, it tasted kinda funny… Ahaha.”
“Dammit, so it was that?! I swear, you’re so freaky when drunk no matter your gender!”
Reiji-san’s sudden panic struck me as odd. Before I could think further, the next moment I found myself gently laid on the sofa, the warmth of his body suddenly gone.
Only belatedly did I realize that he had easily pried me off with just a little extra effort. Pouting, I puffed out my cheeks.
“Don’t give me that face—it’s not gonna work this time! You just stay here and rest quietly, got it? Promise me!”
“…Huh? Okay…”
Following his instructions, I let my body sink back into the soft sofa and closed my eyes.
Why… couldn’t I fall asleep earlier?
As the moment I closed my eyes, drowsiness engulfed me, I found myself vaguely pondering that thought as my consciousness began to fade…
“Lenny-san, get over here! Iris accidentally drank some alcohol!”
“Alcohol?! How on earth did that even happen?”
“Sorry! It’s my fault. I had some leftover fruit wine from lunch, kept it for myself, and she must’ve accidentally drunk it!”
From somewhere far away, I heard voices arguing back and forth.
Reaching up, I lightly touched my lips—the same ones that had felt Reiji-san’s breath earlier but had been denied the kiss.
Why do I feel so… disheartened?
A sense of loneliness gripped my chest, and I tightly clutched at my nightclothes. As the overwhelming drowsiness became unbearable, I finally gave in and let it take over.
“Reiji-san… idiot…”
For some reason, I murmured those words softly as my consciousness drifted off into a warm, fuzzy darkness.
The next morning—
A high-pitched scream, utterly unsuited to the delicate voice of a girl, pierced through the crisp summer morning air.
One of the dignitaries barricaded herself in their room for half a day after a certain incident.
But that is a story for another time.
(Author’s Note)
As for what Reiji hid under his bed, after Reiji saw Iris’ avatar and fell in love at first sight, there was a period when he was drawn to big-breasted gravure models in order to convince himself that he wasn’t a lolicon.
APM - Translation 